Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money!) Death is hereditary. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started! -Dave Barry There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence; Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence. 79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Three percent exceeds 2 percent by 50 percent, not by 1 percent. One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~ William James In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. ~ Richard Bach Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world. ~ William Shakespeare Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing! You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth. ~ Christopher Hampton The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. ~ George Bernard Shaw The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball